Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
