I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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