i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
