I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
