no, he came in my armpit
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
