Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
