Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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