I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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