its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
