she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
