I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I woke up under a house in Key West
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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