News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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