In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
