they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i dont even know how to be here
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
