Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
