the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You have to summon your inner elephant
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
