I'm so fucking centered right now
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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