this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
