oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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