She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
