i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
