Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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