It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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