people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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