then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
