why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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