I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
operation have a gay friend backfired
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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