your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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