Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
