Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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