I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
