i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
