i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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