My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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