It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
