A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
