Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my being single is dangerous.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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