If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
4 words: hood of his car
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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