i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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