I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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