No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
