woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
