Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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