you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
