i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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