i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
