He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Randomize
