Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
