Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
