considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
