just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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