Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
