when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
