Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
