Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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